I know, sounds so much easier said than done and trust me it’s a process that may take months, years, or in my case - since I was 16, I’m 31 now...carry the 1, yep 15 years.

For 15 years I let alcohol consume me. I had my first “drink” which then turned into lets legit drink anything we can get our hands on in my childhood best friend’s parent’s cabinet. A superrrr Italian family so you can only imagine the variety of liquors that were about to crush our adolescent insides. And crush our insides they did. The amount of sickness I felt, I’ll spare you the deets but let’s just say white carpets, did I mention they were Italian, were white no longer.

A normal human being might have taken that situation and said, “nope, no way, never again”…like the time a grandpa makes their grandson smoke an entire cigar when he catches him trying to bum a cigarette without anyone noticing. Barf.

Not for me, good ‘ol Courtney looked at that situation as a challenge and I clearly wanted to be a champ.

High school, college, after college. Shit many years after college...okay so let’s be real here...until around a year ago - over indulgence was a theme in my life and I was the mother fucking queen of it.

I can’t tell you how many walls, windows, cars, relationships, and worse, friendships have been broken because of how easy it would be for me to go from 0-100 real quick. What makes it worse is that if you know me, I have a somewhat eh, let’s say “dry” sense of humor coupled with a resting bitch face (just because I don’t smile like a freak 24/7 DOESN’T MEAN I’M UPSET. FUCKKKK.) So I’ve been told I’m kinda scary even when I’m not drunk off my ass…add 5 shots of tequila to the equation and what is me making a somewhat harmless “joke” turns into me just being a downright bitch.

You know that feeling where you wake up after a real solid bender. Come on, you know what I’m talking about…the ridiculously intense anxiety as you scramble through your faded memories of the night and holy shit, “I don’t even remember the last drink I had. Wait, did I really do that? I didn’t say that did I? Fuck, I remember NOTHING…” but given the feeling of the energy in the room around me post black out - I know I fucked up and I probably fucked up bad.

So why?? Why all of this destruction and chaos? For what? Is it all worth it? Well for me, it became a release, a way to escape, a way where I didn’t have to show up as myself because to be honest I didn’t feel great, hell I didn’t even feel good about myself.

If you go back to my blog, Stop Listening to the Noise and Start Focusing On Your Soul, you might remember that since my dad passing when I was nine, I have always felt like I was not good enough, so for me alcohol became a way to make myself cooler, make myself funnier, make myself more appealing. Funny story, more often than not me being drunk was the exact opposite and gremlin Courtney was out to party…actually I won’t even call it gremlin Courtney because oddly I think they are adorable, and no I’m not talking Gizmo, I’m talking about those other misunderstood ones with the fucked up skin…let’s go with goblin, goblins are creepy AF. Goblin Courtney was out to party and ready to basically fuck up any “fun” night with her antics.

In over 10 years of friendship, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to apologize to my best friend, how many talks we’ve had, how many rock bottoms she’s witnessed and ya know what, shockingly we are still best friends to this day. Rae Rae, I’ll never be able to express my gratitude to you for sticking through all of my insane ups and downs. It actually gets me incredibly emotional even thinking about all of the shit I put you through, but in all honesty, I’m one of the lucky ones.

How many of you know someone that has lost everything because they have let any sort of overindulgence take over their lives. Families broken, lives ruined, or worse lives taken.

Looking back at it now, what was scary about my situation is my competitiveness and how I would be able to drink a fuck ton, fuck up, not drink for maybe a month, go cold turkey, then go right back to it. It was like I had to prove to myself that I was stronger than the alcohol, stronger than the addiction and I would be someone who could drink shots with the rest of ‘em, even if my body and mind clearly were not pickin’ up what I was puttin’ down.

Okay, okay, so what’s the point Court? Well I wanted to give you background and context before I share my next piece of advice. I painted my messy picture because we are in a world where it is SO important for us to be relatable, to be authentic, to be more than just those filtered pictures we have up on Instagram.

I’m sharing my story because in the past few weeks, I’ve had separate conversations with 3 of my close girlfriends (all from separate friend groups mind you) where the topic of feeling shitty has come up. Asking to elaborate, “well I was completely thrown off my game and my alignment is all out of whack.” "I was doing really great until….I was making so much progress until…"

And surprise, surprise…what was that wonderful similarity that they all shared? “I went on a bender…and I feel like fuck”.

Why do we give something as trivial as booze the power to completely transform our lively hood and well being?! I mean, trust me I GET IT. I’ve been there and unfortunately a lot of it was still me “trying to fit in” and feel “good/cool/funny/fill in the blank enough.” But to be honest, there were definitely times when Goblin Courtney was dormant and I would have a super fun night with friends. So I think it was probably those times that kept me thinking, “I will beat you alcohol, you will never take me, I will never surrender!!!!”

And then BOOM. Back to crazy town, party of one.

It’s been 6 months now that I have completely ruled out any hard alcohol, whatsoever. Shots? What are you? Vodka Sodz? See ya later. Tequila water (yes that was a thing). Buh-bye. If you see me drinking, it’s a few glasses of wine or Coors Light here and there spaced out with time and plenty of quality H20.

PRO TIP: One of my tricks to going out and being social because let’s be honest, there are going to be times where sociability does revolve around eating and drinking with friends...

My going out secret? Coors Light. It’s ALWAYS my go to. I know, I know people talk shit because like, “why are you drinking that piss water? What’s the point?” Um, hullo I’m drinking piss water (actually let’s just call it water so I feel better about my choices to drink what some might compare to urine) so I can soldier through the night without Goblin Courtney having a remote possibility to creep out to get you. You’ll thank me later.

I know, some of you are probably sitting there thinking well why aren’t you just cutting it off completely? Duh. Go cold turkey. I get it and I’ve been there but for me, I have this competitive side that will always need to prove to myself that I can overcome any obstacle in my way. So for me, being able to manage something is a far greater accomplishment than saying no. Saying no became easy, it was learning how to stop myself after 2 that became the challenge.

I can honestly say I have had the most fun out with friends in the past 6 months than I ever have in my life. I recognize now that I don’t need to get completely fucked up to fit in, to feel like I’m the life of the party. My friends are my friends because they love me, period. The amount of alcohol I consume does not dictate the level of “coolness” or how much one likes me, in fact it always did the exact opposite and I truly understand that now.

Life is a process and I’m certainly not perfect but I’m taking the necessary steps to constantly show up as the best version of myself as possible. Alcohol is always going to be something I know I need to manage in whatever way works for me. When I find myself going out and even that has become pretty rare #grandmastatus, I am completely conscious of my past history and set my intention on only having a few.

I'm so happy to say: 6 months and counting and Goblin Courtney may you rest in peace you crazy fucking creature you.

So if you find yourself having far too many mornings thinking, “what the fuck did I do last night”…you might what to try the Coors Light trick….those mountains are always blue ;)